Please refrain from vomiting within the premises

Dear 'People my sister brings home with her at night',

I just have a few requests regarding your stay in our home:

1. If it is at night and a reasonable time for other residents of the home to be sleeping, I beg thee not to talk in a louder-than-conversation-voice. I understand that the music you have just been listening to is very loud and deafening but it has not had the same affect on me and I can hear every word you say. 'Inside voices' only please.

2. When you get to the stage where you feel drinking any more alcoholic beverages may result in you vomiting in our lounge room, please stop drinking alcoholic beverages.

3. In the middle of the night, when you need to relieve yourself, please do not walk into my room, stare at me for a bit and then tell the dog off for growling at you. I am not prepared to engage in witty banter in this situation and I am certain that the dog is in the right. Please know that if this happens I do want to stab you, in a 'I-just-want-this-to-hurt-not-to-kill-you' kind of way, and if it happens more than once I will stab you (in one of your kidneys, that's why you have two).

4. When you reach the bathroom and realise that you actually need to vomit, please do it in a quiet and polite way. If you sound like you are dying, I will call an ambulance. STAT

5. In the morning, when we finally get to formally meet I would appreciate it if you try to make light conversation with me. I don't care that you are hungover as I am very tired.

6. After we meet and you hear me screaming because I have just stepped in the aforementioned 'vomit in the lounge room', please come to my aid. Vomit makes me vomit.

7. When you clean up your vomit, do it properly and not with a dish cloth from the kitchen sink. I am happy to point you towards the mop and bucket. I'll even fill the bucket with water if need be. If, in a lapse of judgement, you do use the dish cloth, DO NOT PUT IT BACK IN THE SINK.

8. Finally, please ensure the vomit is cleaned up properly and that you take all your belongings with you as you leave. Any items left on the premises will be sold on ebay.

Thank you for your cooperation. I do hope you enjoy your stay and that we never have to meet again.

P.S Dear sister, Please don't give the people you bring home my vodka. It will just result in them throwing up in the lounge room and awkward conversation in the morning.